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We talked about the complicated processes of self-forgiveness and self-compassion. We've filled you in on things that can exacerbate guilt, like hindsight bias and survivors' guilt. We've given you journaling exercises around coping with regret. https://ecosoberhouse.com/article/what-spiritual-malady-means/ The FHE Health team is committed to providing accurate information that adheres to the highest standards of writing. This is part of our ongoing commitment to ensure FHE Health is trusted as a leader in mental health and addiction care.
- Before and after making amends, it's important to remember why we're doing it in the first place.
- They don’t always see my hands off approach as sincere kindness, but my motives are pure.
- Post-recovery life comes with its share of hurdles and bumps in the road.
- Their parent may feel more pain for their addicted child’s inability to get sober than the material items lost due to the thefts.
It can be tempting to say things like “I’m sorry for everything I’ve done to you,” but try to avoid these blanket statements. They miss the opportunity to be truly reflective about how your wrongdoings have impacted the other person and can be misread. The other person may hear the same statement as exasperation with them or a minimizing of the ways you’ve hurt them. Instead, try to reference specific times when you hurt the other person and/or let them down. Being specific also makes the amends that you offer more achievable.
Ways To Overcome Addiction’s Destructive Conditioning
Ninety percent of the time, I keep my mouth shut, but I am my son’s mother. I have a responsibility to parent him and speak out for his best interests. Early in my recovery, I learned neither my son nor my husband was listening to anything I said.
Again, in recovery, your words may not mean as much to some people as you wish they would. Understandably, some people may just need more time to learn how to trust you again. Amends can take direct and indirect forms and be a one-time event or an ongoing “living” process. Close and careful consultation with your sponsor/guide/mentor is critical in deciding how best to make amends to those on your list.
Changes in personal behaviors
Avoid general statements like, “I’m sorry for everything I’ve done.” Be specific with your apology and include concrete plans to restore the relationship. The other person will better appreciate your sincerity, feel more understood, and thus be more receptive to the apology. Before and after making amends, it's important to remember why we're doing it in the first place. We're taking accountability for our actions during active addiction, and we're marking for ourselves a new chapter where those behaviors are no longer acceptable.
- Amends can take direct and indirect forms and be a one-time event or an ongoing “living” process.
- Additional calls will also be forwarded and returned by a quality treatment center within the USA.
- We've filled you in on things that can exacerbate guilt, like hindsight bias and survivors' guilt.
I am very sorry for stealing money out of your desk in order to fund my drug habit last year. Remembering how I stole from you makes me sad and fills me with shame. While living amends I did these things in active addiction, that does not take away from how wrong they were, and the pain and sense of betrayal you must have felt as a result of my actions.
What Are the Different Types of Amends You Can Make?
Perhaps you often let down your friends and family by not fulfilling promises. Going forward, only accept invitations you can fully commit to and add events and reminders to your calendar to stay organized. For example, if you were driving under the influence, crashed your car, and injured your friend, your friend may have severed all ties with you and refuse to meet and relive the trauma. To repent, volunteer your time to educate teens on the dangers of driving under the influence of drugs or alcohol. Older children will more clearly understand our explanations of addiction and how that affected us, but that doesn't mean we should spend much time on the subject. Your efforts to make amends may not always go as well as you hope.
Part of the practice of karma yoga is about right actions and dealing ethically with others, and it includes trying to right the wrongs we have done. Whether or not you’re intimately familiar with the Twelve Steps of AA, you’ve probably heard of Step Nine. Making Amends with Others has positioned itself in the public eye to a degree that many of the other eleven steps haven’t. That’s because it attempts to rectify the outward consequences of the disease. Many alcoholics in early sobriety struggle with how to make direct amends for certain offenses against others.
By now, life is starting to calm down, life has calmed down, some relationships have become better and you’re starting to feel more peaceful. You may have the occasional bad dream but the sense of true freedom from active addiction is starting to take hold. Chances are, you’ve traveled a painful, uphill journey to get to Step 8.
Along with reinforcing new behaviors and outlooks, making amends can also reduce stress. Many who lived with addiction have past behaviors they’re not proud of. By proactively correcting previous mistakes, those in recovery may be able to prevent future conflicts that could trigger a relapse. Once you enter into sobriety, there isn't a set timeline for working Steps 8 and 9, so you might want to ask your sponsor and recovery support network for their insights about whether you're ready. In Twelve Step recovery, your pace is your own to determine.